(from journal 19.2.2006)
I dreamt about mum again (what a time..). Me, simon, fariba, farid and Reg (her boyfriend who survived) and Mum were all together in Thailand. I was out there teaching an art class. It was mums birthday, march 19th - and we wanted to celebrate. She was spending time with Simon and i knew it would be her last night and we would find her dead the next morning. She lay down in a round row-boat,very sleepy,and i tried to keep her awake so she would talk and say goodbye. But she was already asleep.
Then , the next day, we went down tot he waterfront and she was in the rowboat spinning around on the water, the size of a tealite candle (she used to love those). she was kneeling with her hands clasped above her head, dead but smiling. I started howling 'mama, mama' and wanted to reach the boat but couldn't, it just kept spinning. I woke up crying 'mama' with you, delia in my arms. You are smiling.And Leo kissing me and crying too.
In the dream, mum died in her sleep.
I suppose that is the closest i may come to seeing her body.They are DNA testing 7000 bodies in Thailand at the moment. It will take 250 days.
But i will keep her alive for you delia. She had so much love and energy to give you and i will honour her by always loving and giving you all i can, taking you to iran when the time is right, and keeping persian culture alive in your life. When she held you in her arms just after you came into the world, Keri your godmother said that she seemed totally, utterly fulfilled-you were a dream of hers for many years, finally manifested. Ina conversation with Simon, your uncle, when he commented that she must be excited at the prospect of seeing you grow up, she said soberly 'the main thing is the see her born'.